Addendum:

Who else is using God to pander to the masses? Why, it's California's own Gray Davis, proving it's not just an Alabama thing. In his latest incarnation: "I carry a little card around with me that says, 'Nothing will happen to me today that the Lord and I can't handle together.'" If he really studied these things, he'd have an image of the lord of all that can be counted or comprehended, Ganesha, who may be better able to help tally the votes in the recall.

Thanks, Justice Roy Moore, for reminding me that the world is full of idiots

The only time Alabama is in the news in Los Angeles is when either:

- a tornado rips a town off of the map;
- the army decides to incinerate more chemical weapons there;
- Melanie Griffith visits her speech coach, who is way overpaid;
- a football coach does pretty much anything; or
- some imbecilic, backwards, lowest-common-denominator, redneck, hayseed, God-baiting egotist whips the populace into a frenzy by acting like a poorly-trained chimp.

I'm speaking, of course, of Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore, who cares not what I think. Or you. Or anyone else for that matter, including 8 other justices on his court and a federal judge who has declared his display of the 10 Commandments unconstitutional. Importantly, one should note that the federal judge has told Moore he can move the 10 Commandments to another, less publicly conspicuous place in the building, but that's not good enought for ol' Roy. This is a battle to the death!

Moore now has supporters showing up and sleeping outside of the courthouse to keep the monument from being moved. Here's an idea: instead of fighting for an overt, government-backed religious display, why not expend that energy on improving education, on offering job-training services for the poor, on actually showing charity and care for your fellow... ah, never mind. Sleep outside, keep the monument from being moved, claim it's about defending God rather than a transparent need to have your own beliefs validated. We will know you are Christians by your embarrassing, melodramatic, thinly-veiled religious bigotry. Oops, I mean by your love!

Of course, I'm a west-coast nut now, so it doesn't matter what I say. But I will quote someone that Moore might listen to. I don't believe in doing this "agree with me because I quote something" thing, but I'm doing this for Roy. From Matthew:

"And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly."

Enough! Just once, when Alabama is in the news, I'd love for it to be about something that doesn't sound (and look) like it's from a 50's newsreel.

The week behind, the week ahead: This past week or so has been amazing. First, Michelle and I were lucky enough to be able to play some music for some BMG brass at our midweek show last week. At our Saturday show, we met Kevn Kinney, got him onstage to sing "Straight to Hell" with Cowspace, and then hung out with a bunch of friends for the rest of the evening. I've been working a ton as I've had to fill in for a position here at work which has been vacant for a few weeks, so downtime has been non-existent; basically, I've left work and gone directly to have beer with Skye and JB, or I've left work and gone directly to do other things. Today, it will be to go surfing.

On Tuesday, I drove our little LA Whatley crew up to San Luis Obispo to see Stephen and Mel. They had been visiting friends in Monterey and came down to S.L.O. to see us. It was all-too-brief, but it was great to see them. Next time, we're gonna try to get them down here in LA. Stephen said he'd give surfing a shot even though a woman was killed by a shark the very day we spoke about getting him on a board.

Wednesday night, Priya performed with her cabaret class at the Gardenia, and it was a ball. Skye and I went together, which automatically makes it extra fun for me. Doris Roberts (the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond) was in the audience. A friend of Priya's, Casey, also performed, and they were both just fantastic. Priya introduced me to the lovely and talented Casey after the Standing 8s show on Saturday, and the 2 times we've hung out we've managed not to get any phone numbers or anything for/from each other. As we both know Priya, we're not too worried about how we'll contact each other. Priya may get tired of being the intermediary, so one of us, one day, will have to borrow a pen from somebody.

Side note: never, ever eat at the Gardenia. Stop at Wendy's on the way. The food is funny, though, so if you need that kind of entertainment (as in, "Wow, this tastes bad! And it's costly! You wanna try it?"), the Gardenia is your place.

This next week is the big one, with Matt arriving Wednesday, a show Wednesday night, a party Friday night, I turn 30 on Saturday (the 30th), and then that Sunday it's off to Vegas and an Elvis wedding for Matt and Shannon. I've had little time lately to update, but I'll try to write at least one more before Matt arrives. Some of this past week requires more of an update than I can fit in this post.

This was supposed to be an exposé!

Hi! Are you one of the muckrakers who did a Google search for "Arnold Schwarzenegger Sex Scandal" and ended up here? Scroll down to August 3 for your prize!

There's so much to update from the past few days, but first I need to share some thoughts from a movie-going experience I had this weekend.

American Wedding may well be the worst movie ever made. EVER. And this is coming from someone who saw Cradle 2 the Grave! Just for the record -- and it may sound like I'm placing blame on others here -- it is totally the fault of others that I even went to see these movies.

Now, I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself. I love hanging out with my friends, and it's sometimes as fun watching horrifyingly bad movies with them as it is to see good ones; either way, we get to share the experience. Anyway, a quick capsule review of American Wedding follows, with the hope that it will save you from putting yourself through the pain. I should point out that I loved Old School and South Park, so my reservations and revulsions have little to do with the subject matter presented in the film.

American Wedding: Nine Thumbs Down

That's right: this movie is so bad that I am growing extra limbs in order to have enough thumbs to give it this awful rating. If you were thinking that maybe the Jason Biggs character would get married to an actual apple pie, be forewarned: that would have been far too clever for this script. I would say the humor is "crude," but I don't want to call it "humor."

Throughout the movie, you get the idea that the actors are zipping through their scenes so that they can get to the bank before it closes. The writing doesn't help them at all. A sample exchange:

"Nerd" friend character: "I don't know what I'm going to do, now that I have graduated college."
"Nice guy" friend character: "Why don't you go to Law School -- like I am going to be doing, this fall!"

Yay! We don't have to waste any time getting to know what's happened to these characters; they will simply tell us, in natural, organic-sounding dialogue! I mean, if these guys hung out with each other even a little bit, wouldn't they already know this stuff?

This movie also handles difficult material with the greatest sensitivity. For example, the "Stiffler" character goes into a bar to look for a woman named Leslie. But guess what? It's a gay bar! Leslie's actually a man! Several stereotypical characters appear! Stiffler realizes the place is a gay bar and freaks out! Interestingly, this does lead to one of the movie's better moments, a gay bar dance-off between Stiffler and a rather forgiving and friendly bar patron known as Bear; afterwards, the writers pretty much ruin the fun here as well, as Stiffler expresses his satisfaction that the gay man "wanted to f***" him.

What else happens? Dog excrement is eaten, a pair of strippers arrives, someone ruins but then saves the wedding, one character sleeps with another's mother, another character sleeps with another's grandmother, Alyson Hannigan is given horrible lines, someone accidentally gets pubic hair all over the wedding cake... wait! This paragraph makes the movie sound better than it is, believe it or not!

Bottom line: Two or three actors seem to actually show up -- Levy, Hannigan, Biggs -- but there's only so much they can do. It appears they only had one day to shoot the whole thing. And one more to edit it. And that they wrote it on the fly, if at all. It's very bad, but not funny-bad enough to see. You will actually wonder if you can retrieve the time you lost. And the money. If you were to ask a group of randomly-selected 12-year-olds to spontaneously put on a two-hour play -- and you only gave them 15 minutes to prepare -- they would produce something far better than this.

On to other things: Saturday, Michelle and I went out to Ocean Park and enjoyed Ocean Park's best surf day ever. We had a lot of fun out there, and Michelle completely got over her post-concussion fears. I, on the other hand, was involved in a freak accident: my board slipped out of my hands as a wave came up from behind me, and the surfboard flew forward and smacked a girl on the arm and thigh -- as if I'd just taken a 2-by-4 and beat her with it, baseball-bat style. I was mortified! I apologized profusely, and she said it was OK as she and her friend headed up to the beach. I noticed she was limping and rubbing her shoulder.

I felt so bad that I had Michelle help me find her as we left. I walked up carrying my surfboard and told her not to worry, that I wasn't coming to finish the job. She laughed and said she was OK, just a little tender. I offered her a beer, and as soon as I said it she started looking like she was 17 years old or so. Oops! She said no thanks, so that didn't matter in the end. I still felt like crap, but like better crap. I hope she feels better today.

Then, Michelle and I went to see Step Into Liquid, a new surf documentary. It was fantastic. All of the subjects in the movie were the kind of surfers you want to find, surfers who want to have fun with each other, who want to have fun on the water, and who are not mean bastards. The cinematography was wonderful, and even if you don't surf, it may help you understand the surfer in your life if you go see it.

Sunday morning, Skye kidnapped me for another installment of...

Mountainy-Deserty Adventureness!


On this trip abroad, Skye and I continued preparations for our secret TV show pitch. Along the way, we met a bee colony, climbed a few mountains by driving to about ten feet below the peak and then walking up a well-worn trail, tested the limits of her car, took a lot of photos, shot at fake deer with a fake gun, and found good beer in the Antelope Valley (it's harder than you think).

Our first stop on the tour was a peak that had a couple of water towers on top of it. Wondering how incredibly windy it must have been at the top of the tower, I checked it out:


After I didn't die, we thought we'd go try again. Skye kept driving as close as possible to the edges of cliffs, hoping that only my half of the car would plummet. To make things more exciting, she never replaced her injured tire from the last time her car was in the desert. Damaging the passenger-side front tire is a theme we hope to carry through all of our adventures (2 weeks ago, I did the same sort of thing).

We snacked on varying forms of jerky and gummy products, and they went together unsurprisingly not well. We saw some of the most beautiful views available to humans throughout our journey -- the photos will soon be posted on the photo page -- and then we went to a place called Schooners in Palmdale and had enormous beers. Skye also threw ranch dressing all over the place when she tried to cut a piece of chicken.

The restaurant had a small arcade attached, and we enjoyed playing their deer-hunting game. For the most part, Skye was a better fake hunter than I was, although I did have a good run in Texas.


Another quick stop along our journey was the Prison Fire Camp, a place where minimum-risk prisoners are allowed to go if they are near the end of their incarceration. At camp, they learn to help fight those huge fires we get in the hills. It's an interesting program, and while it is fairly dangerous work, it brings up an interesting point: these prisoners get job training (such as it is). They also get medical care, food, and a place to live. And how do they get these things? By GOING TO PRISON. If you live in difficult conditions and you don't go to prison, you get none of these opportunities. Wouldn't it be cheaper to offer these opportunities to people BEFORE they commit... eh, never mind. As one of the few people in California not running for governor, I'll give it a rest.

In the end, Skye's car, an 11-year-old Subaru named Pookie, conquered the mountain. We were merely passengers.


More to come soon. Lots of music news to share, and it's not so photo-intensive.
-M

Here's sand in your eye

This past weekend was fabulous. Specifically Saturday. Especially from 9:45 AM until about 4:30 PM, and again that evening. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Friday: Around noon, I went to LAX -- my second home, apparently -- and picked up my Aunt Barbara. She had flown in from Singapore after being in Spain for several weeks, and she was in LA for less than a day before she flew to Birmingham, AL via Dallas. I will refrain from complaining about my own travel itineraries in the future, at least until this post has moved off of the front page of the site.

We went to Third Street in Santa Monica and met Garrard for a quick lunch at Bravo Cucina, site of the "Girl, You'll Be A Lawyer Soon" party. Afterwards, Barbara and I hopped back in the car and went on the "Huge Houses of Beverly Hills (North of Sunset, Especially on Roxbury Drive)" tour. Looking at these homes is like watching Whale Rider in that you are likely to cry.

Friday night was a yummy dinner at Thai Dishes in Culver City with Garrard, and then on home and to bed. We had an early morning.

Early Saturday morning: I woke up at about 5:30 or so as Aunt Barbara readied herself not only for the airport but also for stuff she would have to do immediately upon arrival in Birmingham. We got her to my second home by 6:20 or so and she got in the security conga line for her 8 AM flight. I went back home and had a quick breakfast of healthy waffles with yogurt and banana, read the paper, had some coffee.

Still early, but slightly later, Saturday morning: I did more before 9 AM than I usually do all day. At 8, I drove in to work and helped set up a multi-media presentation. By 9:20, I was on my way to...

Saturday morning: ...surfing with Jenna. The great thing about this is that there's nothing more fun than doing anything with Jenna. We happened to bond over surfing, which is a happy coincidence as we both love to do it. I imagine, though, that if we'd bonded over something else -- holding up liquor stores, for example -- this journal would have more multi-state crime spree entries and fewer surfing ones.

We met down in Santa Monica, but it was a washout. We hopped in her Jeep and trekked up to Port Hueneme: water was a little chilly, but the waves were perfect and the sun was out. We surfed for hours, fighting an intense rip current that later had us both holding our lower backs as we struggled to lift Wendy's hamburgers and cram them into our mouths.

During a break from the waves, Jenna showed some moves from her street-fighter training she's been taking. Each move was narrated by the smiling Jenna -- "Elbow, elbow, palm, palm!" -- as she thrust her elbows and palms towards me. In the process, she threw sand in my face. It was the most disorienting and downright adorable beating I've ever taken in my life.

Saturday afternoon: So we continued surfing and had a fine time. We had to leave a little after 2 so we could get back to the westside for plans we each had. We went to the aforementioned Wendy's and ate. A lot. A whole lot. And then we got back in the car and headed south. Basically, this entire portion of the day (9:45 until 4:30) is about as fun and relaxing a time as I've had in I-don't-know-how-long. With some people, you just feel natural and easy. Thank goodness for that.

We kept coming up with things we could do instead of ending the day, but when it became some sort of fantasy which involved taking Doan's back pain pills and washing it down with beer, we knew we'd better stick to the schedule. ("If only we had some Doan's!")

Saturday later afternoon: Skye came over at 5:30 and picked me up. I grabbed a bag full of beer and we rode to the Fairfax-y area for...

Saturday evening: ...a small cookout and dinner at Simon and Priya's place. And what a place! Upon arrival, what I thought must have been 3 apartments turned out to be just their one apartment. Simon burned his hand on the grill cover while cooking yummy burgers, but all ailments were cured by the potent drinks Priya mixed for us. Woooo! And after an exhausting day, there's nothing like a series of potent drinks.

Skye announced that she may be moving to land soon, which would be good for her but bad for all of us who enjoy telling people that she lives on a boat. Priya -- who is so damn kind to me -- said she has a friend she wants me to meet. We all drank more and then played some impossible version of Trivial Pursuit. After getting the scoop on Priya's upcoming cabaret performance, Skye and I hit the road for the westside.

Sunday morning: Finally, sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep. Sleep. Drool, sleep, sleep.

Sunday afternoon: Got jerked around while trying to help someone move. Pointless to tell the story. Did see a great sunset, though.

Sunday night: Jammed with Brian Ide, Michelle, and Greg. They were happy to see me even though I was an hour late. I love my friends. We had fun. And beer.

Monday: At 7:30 AM, took the Matrix to the Toyota place for the 5,000 mile service and to buy a new wheel cover. Took a series of buses to work and back, which is fun. Picked the car back up, went home, relaxed. Simple, great day.

Tuesday night: I was involved in a focus group last night -- you know, one of those "we pay you for your opinion" things? Anyway, we talked about vodka. I have very few real-life opinions on the subject, but for the purpose of the group my thoughts extended beyond whether or not the vodka smells like rubbing alcohol. This ended up paying for the wheel cover which I am about to go pick up.

Speaking of which: Oops, gotta run. More later.

-M

Let's Choose California's Governor: Part II
Which Arnold?

Voting Update from Part I: Rally Monkey in comfortable lead

Here we go with the second batch of candidates for governor of California. As before, drop me a line at mwhatley@avantfolk.com to vote for your candidate or to nominate one not listed. This time, we will focus on Arnold Schwarzenegger. Much talk has been made of Arnold running for governor, but it has become clear that he will be stepping aside for a more viable candidate. For whom could he be clearing the way? As the only candidate with any advantage over Arnold himself must be created by the almighty Arnold, here are today's picks:

1. Obviously, Terminator Arnold


OK, so he's part machine, but the fact that Davis is allowed to be governor calls into question the fully-human requirement (see leader of part 1, the Rally Monkey of Anaheim). Apparently, his candidacy can only be taken down by the sheer determination of a mother's love, and we have plenty of examples in California which prove that a mother's love is no match for a low-tech machine.

Pros: Humorously inadequate claymation will allow this candidate to repair any damage done to him. Teleprompters unnecessary as field-of-vision digital readout offers soundbyte options.

Cons: 1984 technology no match for what the Industrial Light and Magic geniuses have produced in current governor. Linda Hamilton not-yet-buff in this episode. In Terminator 2, shows lack of willingness or ability to kill innocent Californians.

2. Arnold the Kindergarten Cop


Ah, the soft side of Arnold. In KC, he shows us not only that he can make us laugh but that he can laugh at himself as well.

Pros: It's not a toomah!

Cons: "It's not a toomah!" is only intelligible line from film.

3. Conan the Barbarian


This film has it all: dazzling visual effects, a universal story, and a Mr. Universe.

Pros: A line of dialogue which should go over well with the voters: "They shall all drown in lakes of blood."

Cons: Muscle Beach regulars unable to refrain from spontaneous displays of jealous rage. Broken English too specifically Austrian. Constant sword-brandishing may be seen as threatening.

4. Conan O'Brien


He'll seal up the cat-licking vote in a heartbeat. He doesn't live here, but he appears on TV, so close enough.

Pros: Californians love irony. Much more stable and less likely to have coke binge with Liza Minelli than Oakland Mayor Jerry Brown. Will garner vote of extremely powerful Irish population. Max Weinberg as Lieutenant Governor.

Cons: Only peripherally involved in this category.

5. Danny DeVito's Twin


He was the good stuff, Danny was the leftover junk. He was an innocent, Danny was a con artist. He rose to the top -- a born leader.

Pros: Pure, perfect, magnificent, wonderful, honest, strong, helpful, honorable, likeable, sincere.

Cons: Too pure, perfect, magnificent, wonderful, honest, strong, helpful, honorable, likeable, and sincere. He needs to loosen up. Too many people ready to "rob him of his integrity," if you catch my drift. Scheming brother always nearby.

6. Seabiscuit


Not many people are aware that Arnold portrays 1938 Horse of the Year Seabiscuit in the new blockbuster film by Gary Ross. Always insisting on doing his own stunts, he can be seen doing the following in this film:
- defeating legendary horses in order to win the triple crown;
- overcoming humble beginnings;
- allowing Tobey Maguire to ride him;
- eating raw oats and licking a block of salt.

Pros: Politicians need horse sense. People love the performance. In spite of the fact that he studied reel after reel of Mr. Ed, Arnold not required to talk in this role. Most importantly, critics agree!

Cons: Sadly, electing a horse in California almost guarantees a sex scandal.

Well, let's see if the Rally Monkey holds up from Round 1. As we whittle the field down to the finalists, keep the votes coming in and we will choose the finest candidate for Governor of California, the fifth largest economy in the world. Vote now!

Let's Choose California's Governor: Part I

"200 people have requested papers necessary to declare their candidacy before next Saturday's deadline. And so far about 50 possible candidates have paid the non-refundable $3,500 fee, raising the possibility of a ballot containing scores or even hundreds of names." - L.A. Times

The first batch of candidates: I propose the following three "dark horse" candidates for governor. Read each selection for pros and cons. E-mail your votes to me at mwhatley@avantfolk.com.

1. Former Inglewood Police Officer Jeremy Morse


To quote a pro-Jeremy Morse website, "As you will see, Jeremy Morse is hardly the monster that he has been made out to be. He is a beloved son and a respected brother and friend. He is a good police officer and is well thought of by his fellow officers. And most importantly, he is a human being." After reading the statutes, I'm not certain that you must be a human to run for governor, but it's refreshing to hear he may be one.

Pros: We know he'd get at least five votes, assuming those jurors are registered voters. Also, if you can beat a handcuffed teen on videotape and get a mistrial, anything is possible.

Cons: He looks too much like former UCLA basketball coach Steve Lavin, so nobody in Los Angeles would vote for him.

2. The late Bob Hope


It would be hard to beat smilin' Bob! His carefully crafted public persona and his ability to maintain a dignified private life are assets.

Pros: Aside from Bill Maher, nobody will say anything bad about him for a while. He has name recognition. Being dead has not been a liability for Gray Davis -- he's been doing that Weekend at Bernie's thing for a couple of years now -- so maybe it won't affect Bob. Plus, he may remind people of Reagan.

Cons: He may remind people of Reagan.

3. The Anaheim Angels' Rally Monkey


Everybody loves a winner!

Pros: As bad as the budget looks, we'll need him to work his magic. He'll get the coveted "fair weather fan" vote.

Cons: May throw his own fecal matter at reporters during swearing-in ceremony. Or is that a good thing?

More selections for governor coming soon! Cast your vote by clicking here.