Christmas Eve

It's been an interesting Christmas Eve in LA. Seems like all the terrorist threats are being taken quite seriously this year, and LAX is one step from its lockdown mode. Several flights were canceled today due to security concerns, but they could have blamed it on the rain, this being LA. Anyway, been so busy that there's almost no time to write. So my Christmas Eve gift to you is this little treatment for a Muppet Show special:


The Muppet Show Christma-- er, Holiday-- no, no...
it's the Muppet Show Seasonal Spectacular!

PRE-SHOW, BACKSTAGE

miss piggy:
Fozzie, do you think Kermie loves me?

fozzie:
Ahhhhh, I don't know, Piggy. He's tough to read. Waka Waka Waka!

miss piggy:
Oh, that's OK. I buried a raw egg in an anthill two days ago, and tomorrow I will perform the pagan rite which will steal his soul and make him fall for me! it's perfect!

fozzie:
Uh-oh. Uhh, a raw egg in an anthill, you say?

miss piggy:
That's right. You wait three days, recite an incantation, and then crack the egg over a charred pine cone. Then, the earth goddess arises, arouses my dear Kermie with thoughts of me, and --

fozzie:
Um, Piggy, about that egg...

miss piggy:
Yes, Fozzie?

fozzie:
Remember the cheese and ant omelet I made for you this morning?

miss piggy (visibly upset, delivering karate chop to fozzie's neck):
HIIIII-YAAAAAAH!


CUT TO: INT. BALCONY

statler:
I can't wait for the show to start.

waldorf:
why is that?

statler:
It's that much closer to ending!


CUT TO: WINGS OF STAGE

kermit, speaking to nobody in particular:
Oh, boy -- I'm always so nervous just before the show!

ghost of john denver materializes

kermit:
waaAAAAAAAAH!

john denver's ghost:
It's OK, Kermit, it's only me, your old friend John Denver! I'm here to show you what life around here would've been like had you never been born...

scooter:
Kermit, you're on in 15 seconds!

kermit, to john:
sorry, john! you know, the show must go on!

CUT TO: INT. STAGE

kermit:
Welcome to the Saturnalia!
The Circle of the Year is cut in fourths,
and in the ancient lands of Greece and Rome
the darkening time from autumn equinox
to winter solstice was the time to plow
and plant the ground, to store away the seeds.

and then the other muppets join in:
it's time to put on makeup!
it's time to dress up right!

CUT TO: BACKSTAGE
gonzo:
I think Fozzie's dead!

ghost of john denver materializes

gonzo:
waaAAAAAAAAH!

john denver's ghost:
It's OK, Gonzo, it's only me, your old friend John Denver! I'm here to show you what life around here would've been like had you...

gonzo:
Not now, Denver! We've got a bear down! Who would ever hurt sweet Fozzie?

CUT TO: DRESSING ROOM

miss piggy, crying in her chair:
Oh, no! I killed Fozzie! Wait a second...

piggy flips through book as the ghost of john denver materializes

john denver's ghost:
It's OK, Piggy, it's only me, your old friend John Denver! I'm here...

miss piggy:
What do you mean, "It's OK?"

john denver's ghost:
Well you got all scared there when I appeared.

miss piggy:
No I did not! Now get out of here, I'm looking for the spell to raise Fozzie from the dead and back into our earthly realm.

john denver's ghost:
But Piggy, I'm here to..

miss piggy:
I said GO, fly boy!!!


CUT TO: STAGE

kermit:
So, Swedish Chef, you're saying that this is how we can both offer a sacrifice to the spirits of winter AND have a hearty stew to boot?

swedish chef:
Shmirmy shmirmy shmirmy!

--------------------------

You get the idea. Fozzie is raised from the dead, but it takes the others the entire episode to realize that he now lacks a soul; in turn, they correct this by paying Tom Arnold $13.73 for his soul, which they transfer to Fozzie. Within five minutes of Tom's soul living in Fozzie's body, the muppets all agree to kill him again.

Merry Christmas!
-Merrill

Addendum: Letter to Whitney, Via Nicole

On Nicole's website today, she had a posting about the recent arrest of Bobby Brown for beating Whitney Houston in the face. In response, I have written a letter from all concerned citizens; if you wish, you may copy this letter and forward it to Whitney by pasting it in the appropriate box on this page.

--------
Dear Whitney:
I'm sure marrying the youngest, baddest member of New Edition seemed like a good idea at the time, but it could be that it's time to move on. Why not one of those upstanding young men in Bel Biv Devoe? Or, since you're in the Atlanta area, there's probably a wide receiver on the Falcons who has yet to be married to a Grammy winner, and the violence in the "Female Musician / Atlanta Falcon" relationship usually runs the other direction.

Honestly, we just care about you, and it is worrisome how you have buried yourself in the ego of a partner who has always seemed more than just a little jealous of your talent. If you leave him now, we'll even forgive "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." Consider it.
-Concerned Fan
--------

Remember, either write your own letter to Whitney or copy the letter above and post it here. She needs all the reinforcement she can get.

The Flu, and Waffles

That's right, a two-parter! Big news out here in the west is that we're basically out of flu vaccine in the middle of a particularly bad flu season. And since we all live shoulder-to-shoulder here in Los Angeles, you better believe it's going to be hard to avoid the virus! But here is some sound advice:

1. Before vigorous exercise, ingest a bottle of liquid hand sanitizer. As your body sweats, you will be coated in a virtually impenetrable shield of antibacterial goodness. Never mind that the flu is viral & not bacterial; go ahead and take a few antibiotics while you're at it. And don't forget the unwritten rule: horde, horde, horde! If Winona could load up on Vicodin, you can probably sweet-talk your way into some Amoxicillin.

2. Do not share mosquitos. While it's tempting to just use your friend's, be sure always to get your own fresh, clean and sanitary blood-sucking insect.

3. Do not overreact to every ailment. There are many illnesses which have flu-like symptoms, but don't worry, it doesn't mean you have the flu! For instance, do you have something that started out seeming like the flu but later led to focal paralysis, intractable seizures, coma, and even death? Why, that's arboviral encephalitis, silly!

Hopefully, this advice will help you avoid the hysteria of this vaccine-free flu season. Good luck!

On to Waffles

I begin moving into my new digs this week, and this was a morning when it would've been great to be there already, because this morning I:

a) woke up early, and
b) craved waffles.

The Farmer's Market at 3rd & Fairfax has a great waffle-providing place. I love being provided waffles every once in a while. Anyway, that whole area is convenient to the new address, and Skye and I have discovered that we can be at each other's homes in about 4 minutes, so I have a feeling we'll be taking advantage of the waffle-rich facilities. I'm sure there is other stuff there, too. But who cares? Waffles! Waffles! GaraggggGGGHHHH...

Being in LA, I shouldn't have too much trouble finding a treatment/support group for this...

-M

Get Your Recipes Here!

As usual, the word-of-mouth that usually follows Thanksgiving has resulted in multiple requests for my personal recipe for Sweet Potato Casserole. No longer a firmly-held secret, here it is:

Sweet Potato Casserole
3 10-12 oz cans of mashed sweet potatoes
5 dozen bees
1 bag marshmallows, preferably the tiny ones

Wait! There's more:
1 carefully sliced blowfish
1 cup of milk
1 box of 1/4 inch brads
1 stick of butter
3 ounces superglue
2 eggs
1 sauteed ocelot liver (international endangered species black market, optional)

Directions: Preheat oven to 350 deg. Mix everything but the marshmallows together and pour into greased casserole dish. Open a beer, place casserole dish in oven. Go sit on the couch. When you've finished the beer, have another. After that beer, go cover the top of the casserole with marshmallows. Open a third beer. Sometime during this beer, begin checking to see if the marshmallows are starting to brown. When they brown, you're done. Celebrate with a beer.

Next time: those new non-captivity condor eggs make a tasty omelet!

Stuffing

I've been a lazy non-poster lately. I blame Thanksgiving. All I want to do now is eat and sleep. Before I collapse face-first into a plate of mashed potatoes and doze off for a while, I'll try to bring a few things up-to-date.

First of all, I'll be moving into a new apartment beginning December 15. I think. I say "I think" because the "management company" which handles the property is not made up of the best communicators. When you call their "office," they screen the calls through an answering machine. If you look up the management company by their name, they don't exist. The answering machine message says only, vaguely, "You have reached the office." They are a mysterious band of property managers, they are! Who knows, they probably work for the Department of Homeland Security or something. Tom Ridge's new plan: just get the keys to everyone's apartment.

Anyway, so that's (probably) coming up in a couple of weeks. Skye and I discovered that this move will put us only 1.6 miles apart (that's 2.56 kilometers to you and me!), so we'll be doing a lot of walking. Woo-Hoo! Anna and Matt will be supremely annoyed!

Speaking of Skye, we took a little adventure to the nearest Waffle House a few weeks back. Turns out the nearest Waffle House is just outside of Phoenix. We did our best to die in the desert, again failing. Still, we come back with this advice: four-wheel drive. If I can convince Toyota to just send me a four-wheel drive Matrix, we'll be in business.

Thanksgiving was awesome. Casey, Liz, Brandon, and I all stuffed ourselves well-beyond full at Casey's apartment. In our food-coma daze, this bizarre movie we were watching -- Anthony Hopkins had a puppet that told him to kill people by beating them to death with the puppet, and then the puppet would tell him how to dispose of the bodies and would get all jealous if he talked to anyone else -- anyway, the movie was actually good, but it sure seemed to last nine hours or so.

What caused this food coma? Turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, more stuffing, sweet potato casserole, corn casserole, gravy, rolls, cheese, peppers, wine, beer... and as if this weren't enough, brownies. I'm pretty sure it's the brownies that did it to all of us.

OK, gotta run. More later,
-M