Congratulations -- you're going to Sweden! Known for its vast stores of Nazi gold and miles of interlocking furniture pieces, Sweden presents you with a wonderland of organized, state-sanctioned fun. Before you begin your Disney-like adventure, let's get to know the terrain.

Geography

Sweden is located in the Lingonberry-rich region of Europe known as Scandinavia. The country "bunks" with Norway and Finland and is strategically located between these two mighty nations, therefore protecting it from any invaders who, say, run out of fuel before getting there.

Somewhere north of Stockholm lies the Arctic Circle. As you can gather from the map, people rarely have occasion to go up there as most of the country has decided to hang out in Stockholm and enjoy the plentiful robot sex.

Travel Costs

Sweden is rather expensive compared to most destinations, even in Europe. The country's official currency is the Authenticated Golden Royal Crown, which is currently trading at US $1417.32. Food and entertainment costs can run up to three AGRCs per day, but you can greatly reduce your expenses by insisting that your waiterbot not needlessly slaughter any illegal immigrants for your entertainment.


Sweden: nestled.

Culture

Economy

First of all, nobody works in Sweden. At all. If anyone is caught working, s/he is required to undergo intense psychiatric evaluation. Most products made in Sweden are actually made by robots manufactured by the last human workforce, which "went offline" in 1991. Think that barista at the corner Størbørkküs is a cutie? Damn straight she is! Why build an unattractive one? It is neither efficient nor fun.

 

 
Saabs, Soldiers, and Sofas:
Three examples of products produced in Sweden's robot-based economy.
 

 

Quality of Life

The quality of life of Sweden's 35,000 robots is within the top 1% of all humans the industrialized world (this figure includes the sex robots). Human quality of life is in the top .05% of the industrialized and post-industrialized world.

One of the surprising aspects to life in Sweden is how much duller it is than beer commercials would lead you to believe. A punchline to a favorite Swedish joke is, roughly translated: "...and in the end, he looked as disorganized as a German!" Most jokes in Sweden tend to linger on the inefficiency and buffoonery of their German neighbors.

Daily Life in Sweden

Like clockwork, the (proto-)typical (beta) Swede (v 3.4) wakes up every morning at 0530 hours, drinks a tall glass of Lingonberry juice, and consults his or her IKEA map before leaving the store in search for fun, excitement, and the occasional renegade Neo-Nazi robot who "must be erased." When killing, Swedes do not blink, as they feel committing murder is the price one pays for a peaceful, well-rounded society.

Around lunchtime -- traditionally the fifth meal of the day -- all Swedes gather in the Lingonberry fields for free, open sex. This is not as exciting as it sounds. Participation by all citizens is requisite, but outsiders are not allowed to take part, under penalty of death. (More on Sweden's injudicious use of the death penalty in "Swedish Träditions.")

In the evening, after the Lingonberry and Meatball Feast of Dinner and Chocolates, citizens return to their respective sector's IKEA to sleep in one of the display bedroom suites. At this point, Mother Nature enforces Europe's strictest curfew laws: anyone still outside after 2100 hours risks being consumed by the country's most fearsome nocturnal predator, the Lingonberry.

The dreaded Lingonberry
   

Läws and Custøms

Sweden's Constitution consists of the following three laws:

First Law:
A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

Second Law:
A robot must obey orders given it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

Third Law:
A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Nothing could possibly ever go wrong.

 

Swedish Träditions

According to Lonely Planet, "Easter in Sweden incorporates the pagan belief that witches hang out with the devil in hell for the duration. Kids dressed up as witches door-knock houses in their neighbourhood, scamming lollies in exchange for drawings."

This is bullshit. If a child ever knocks on a door without written permission, the child is chopped up with a hatchet.

Another fun-loving tradition of the Swedes is how they get all organized and line up every day for a dose of Soma. As a matter of fact, you look glum! What you need is a gramme of soma.

 

Congratulations!
You are now fully prepared to visit Sweden.

Remember: they will love you forever, or until you run out of money. So take lots and lots of money.

 

 
 
visitsweden@avantfolk.com